Two Things

This is what epitomizes summer to me:
turn head to the left ninety degrees. I'm lazy.








Also, this is good news:

I'm not here to talk about summer.
Mainly, because I'm back at school ready to start my first class.
In preparing for this I have realized that I mentally checked out of college light years ago.
Great. Not only do I have low motivation. I also have low focus.
I'm certain these problems will work themselves out in the grand scheme of things.

Optimistically, there's only one class I know I'll hate.
I know this because I avoided taking it for the last three semesters.
Also because I read the syllabus for it today and found out there are 300 possible points in the class.
300.
Not the movie. Possible points.

In addition, I need 3 more credits. Filler credits. Any class. BUT--I HAVE TO GET AN 'A' IN IT.
For example, I am not taking another Jane Austen class. Biggest Mistake #4 of my life.

I went and bought books. Then I was trampled by a stampede--of freshmen.

My most favorite gripe with Liberty University is that the institution strives for big numbers instead of excellence.
They want billions and billions of little freshmen scampering around campus.
My question is, does anyone ever get rejected? EVER?
Last Thursday, 3400 freshmen checked in. 3400!!!

Now we're overcrowded in buildings lacking adequate air conditioning.
I don't like being hot.
It's funny how this turned from a "I need another class to take, and I don't knwo which one" to "I implore my university to get with the program."

summer's here.

Driving home from Lynchburg on Saturday it didn't hit me that the school year was over. Going to graduation didn't make me feel it either. Perhaps because I was just watching, not participating.
When I pulled up to my house. I just sat there. I didn't want to get out. I felt it.
There's something about moving back home for the summer that just brought down the house.
I didn't want school to be over. I didn't want to be in my parents' huse. I wanted to be in my own.

After lugging the bags of clothes and a monstrous box of DVDs inside, the interrogation began. I had to answer a bajillion questions about my grades, my friend's after graduation plans, Jerry Falwell's death, etc.
I was going to take a shower, but Mom told me the shower was still broken and I'd have to take a bath instead of showering for the next ten days. Perfect. Just what I wanted to hear.

I'm trying to think of this summer as a learning experinece. I regret not getting an internship or a job at a news station, but honestly by the end of the semester I was so burnt out of writing--it was the last thing I wanted to do.
So I'm working a retail job. It might seem ill-planned, but honestly I just don't care. I plan for the future--I really do.
But my outlook on life has changed. I 've begun to realize that I'm the most idealistic person in my family, and it's hard. I have often entertained the notion that I was switched at birth at the hospital. But I'm glad I'm the way I am, it might blind me sometimes, but better to learn from it than learn nothing at all. This life is so short, and I feel its better now to take some chances then later down the road when I have more responsiblities.
So I have two major trips planned, a stack of books to read, two parents who deserve some attention, some old friends to meet and one relationship to repair.

My one fear is that I won't learn anything this summer. I'm not asking for grandiose epiphanies, but perhaps some valued insight.
I'm just saying it'd be nice.

there's never enough

There are moments in time when the world stops. When the music comes to a pause so abrupt, it's almost as if you were waiting for it. If the wind was blowing--it would be silent. If it was snowing--snowflakes would be made of glass, and sharp. I am in one of these moments.
How I got here is neither here nor there. But I've been here for awhile. The past six months has been the most eye-widening experience of my life. In some light it could be thought of as positive, in my mind I call it a forced transition.
I've constantly questioned my faith in myself. Most of my relationships have become weathered or broken, on either end.
Sometimes I find myself so frustrated, confused and on the edge of tears--screaming tirelessly with no echo to even prove that I've heard myself.
Mother robin is pushing her baby bird out of the nest, hitting every branch on the way down.
I'm finding these realizations hard yes. But at the same time and on some level, I'm thankful for them.
I'm thankful that I'm challenging myself. I'm thankful I'm finally trying to harness the unbridled selfishness I have and cast it out. I'm thankful I'm growing up.

What I've been up to...

So that whole new year's resolution thing just didn't pan out.
But--I thought I'd give you an update on what I've reading and watching.

Let's start with books. During Christmas break I started John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany
Jake referred it to me, and it's good. The constant struggle man has with his own spirituality.
I finished reading Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Amazing. It's a book that makes you gasp and cry at the same time.
Others:
Of Mice & Men by Steinbeck, some Bill Bryson, the first two books in His Dark Materials
uh....then textbooks got in the way.

Ok, as far as movies go, I just don't see many mainly because my attention span is--I don't have one. SO GIMME SOME TV!!

ok. bored. done.

It's raining lemons

There's a point in life where you realize that time really does pass, and you have to grow-up. This isn't necessarily shown in moving to college or becoming independent and getting a job, but in the lives of the people who bore us, raised us--our parents.
We're coming to an age where our parents are rapidly approaching life beyond middle-age. Life where they stop becoming the care-givers--a position that comes to us, the children.

I was awakened by this suddenly. Last Wednesday, my dad had a heart catherization to see if he had a blocked artery. He said it wasn't painful, but the process sounds more painful than it actually might be. One artery is blocked partially, the doctor says that could be solved with medication that he must take for the rest of his life. Thoughts then materialized about what life would be like if my dad had died. What would happen to our house? What would happen to my mom? What would happen to me?

I'm not the first of my friends to ask questions like these. Two of my friends have dealt with this and continue to deal with this. One lost her father in the beginning of her college career, and another's mother is fighting cancer. I can't begin to imagine what they've gone through and the continuing struggle. Their strength continues to amaze me.

That's what I find most startling about this process of growing up. It's not the reality of getting jobs and paying bills, but of standing alone emotionally and physically. Having to battle whatever crops up, and not having it magically erased by someone else. These are the lemons life throws at us I suppose. But that doesn't mean I have to like lemonade.

finding the pages

So over break, I vowed to read many books. I've only finished two, but started many.
I got a Barnes and Noble giftcard for Christmas and used it to get The 3 a.m. Epiphany. It has over 200 excercises that "transform" your fiction. I like things that transform.
I also wanted The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne, but couldn't find it. I mainly want this to stifle the void of LOST  in my life.

Speaking of TV, Jericho is wildly addicting. I spent a whole Sunday watching all 11 episodes. And then I was afraid to walk outside fearing an atom bomb would drop on my head.


not really.

So. This is the new year.
Instead of a resolution, I'm making a vow.
I vow that this year will not be like last year.
I vow that I will not live in frustration. 
I will lose friends that are bottom-feeders, and I will not be walked all over, and I will not wait on people hand and foot. I've had enough, and it's about time.  
I need to change and this is Day 1.

In addition, this blog will be updated DAILY henceforth.
What's that? Hold the phone, stop the press, pause the DVD player. yes that's right. DAILY!
(or close to it.)

Happy New Year